Circling back

So it's time i opened up a vein here again. As long as i don't bleed out on here we're good, right?

So from spring 2011 to summer 2013 i worked my a** off literally, lost 80 pounds the hard right way, ran a bunch of races including a half marathon, felt good about myself and attracted ridiculous amounts of attention. And got stupid because of it ... and lost that new hard-won confidence and identity while gaining back about 50 pounds. Ever carry a 45 pound barbell plate around? Not fun. I missed my gym-going, bold runner-chick self. And i emotionally ate myself into this damn hole day after day, while telling myself it was ok because the person i was with said he loved me no matter what size or weight ... until he obviously didn't anymore.

i've been told over the past few months that i am a "spoiled selfish bratty b***h." maybe. yeah, hitting the cookie bar at Fresh Market or Whole Foods, binging on that and calling it lunch, qualifies i guess. so does agitating about paychecks that would do me more good as wallpaper than they did at the damn bank, wanting a little grownup time with my partner without interruptions of little children or others in the house, taking it upon myself to do household tasks that weren't getting done (i was tired of hearing the griping and complaints from his family that my partner was lazy thank you) ... and likewise it's selfish of me to want that body, that self i had worked so hard for, back.

So now i've moved cross country to start finding that Bad A** woman in here again. At this point, you WANT me to be kinda selfish. THAT is where the "drive" i seem to be missing comes from. And it's damn hard right now for me to muster that kind of selfish. As much as i miss that BAW i was starting to like seeing in the mirror, i am scared to bring her back. Scared. The attention she gets isn't safe for my spirit and soul. Yet i still want attention ... i want to know somebody feels better about their day, their life, with me being around. i want to hear that i am a "good girl," that i matter ... maybe that's bratty and selfish too. i've got just enough faith left to believe that God Fate the Universe or Whatever would say all those kinds of things to/about me, but dammit i need someone with skin on and an audible voice. i may have to record that shit if i get to hear it again.