oh, yeah. self-care. right.

So, on the good side I finally got settled in with a gyn in Baton Rouge who seems pretty good and on top of her stuff, and will be having a first visit with a doc who will probably be my primary on Monday. Finally getting back to a spot where I can try to take responsibility for my own health and well-being and all that jazz.

On the bad side ... said gyn, after hearing me describe a couple weird things I'd noticed myself dealing with lately plus family history, sent me to get a more serious blood glucose test. According to the results of that, which just came in this morning, apparently I am diabetic.

Ok. Yes, I know it's manageable (much more easily manageable now than it has been in the past). Yes, my numbers are not hugely dramatically out of range so far. And yes, I am SOOO glad that I know about it now, that I didn't have to get totally dehydrated, lose consciousness, become horribly ill, and otherwise get to the point of having to be admitted to the hospital to find out about this. But ...

I'm still mad as hell ... two things. For one, here I am, having for the past several months been doing all the "right things" - getting more careful about what and how much I eat, becoming much more physically active than I remember ever being before. I started doing those things, hoping to stave off this problem that I've known about being at higher risk than average for since years ago. Logically, I know it's just my purpose in doing these things has to shift a little bit now - from "prevention" to "management." But part of me still does want to complain that it's been wasted effort, too little too late.

The second thing is ... I've been at that higher than average risk, mostly because of family history. Particularly my dad. He hasn't lost any limbs or appendages (though there have been close calls), and he still has his vision ... but he really does not do that well with taking care of himself, or making those healthier choices about what he eats, or exercising. For a long time, his unhealthy choices also spilled over to affect me. Yet for years, he's been pointing the finger at me and telling me about how I do "this, this, and this" that HE says is bad, and the end of those speeches has ALWAYS been one of two things: "And you wonder why your zits are so bad!" or "You're going to be a bad diabetic before age ___." Well, I finally outgrew the damn zits that his genes also contributed to. But now I grew into this other shit?!? I don't want to even talk to him about this right now and probably won't for quite a while - because I do not want to hear ONE WORD of his "I told you so." NOT ONE WORD of it!

Anyhow ... so, going to see this new possible primary care doctor Monday and hopefully will get more of the "lay of the land" then, get my strategy and plan of action ... and I am going to get after this stuff, do my self-care as best I can, and we will just see how that goes. But yeah - today I'm hoppin' mad.

ahh, inconsistency...

It would be downright funny if it weren't so puzzling, how inconsistent I am about blogging ... I mean really? I'm constantly running off at the mouth about some thing or other, always gotta have something to say about whatever, yet here's this mouthpiece where I can absolutely let loose - and do I actually use it? Of course not :D ... oh well.

However, at least I'm currently mostly consistent about working out. It's effing exhausting :D but I'm doing it ... and getting some payoff! My legs are a little more shapely, some clothes I couldn't wear for a year or so are fitting again ... aaaaand, lots of different people seem to be noticing that - rather, noticing me - which leads to me getting odd text messages, notes passed to me, and people telling me "oh, (so-and-so) says you're hot/looking good" ... whaaa?? I still haven't the foggiest notion how to handle that, what to do with it or how to respond. Ok yeah, of course, I can simply say, "thank you," but then what?

Not that I don't want to be "seen" as "pretty" or "attractive," but then again I never got that in high school or college either. It was a HUGE deal to me when the one guy I dated close to my own age, almost six years ago, used to tell me, "you're not (just) cute - you're beautiful." I'd never been told that before, and never have since. In that case, at least he (at the time) knew me and (again, at the time) seemed to genuinely feel that way about me as an individual, inside and out. But that was practically another lifetime ago. Where is someone who can be that close - and stay that close! - and say something like that, or be the one sending me those mischievous notes and text messages? Do I still merit that? Or have I just screwed up too many times and missed out on whatever other opportunities I might have had for that?

And yeah, I know (in my head) that the answers are, 1) somewhere, 2) well yeah, and 3) no and quit catastrophizing ... but dagnabbit ... anyway.